Just now, I just went down to ride bicycle.
Then before that, I went for outing with Huien.
Got an A- for the painting.
Let me show you:
Now, go and compare it with the 1st draft and you will notice a big difference.An Unexpected Visitor
The brilliant rays of the afternoon sun shone right through the curtains. The fresh air filled my lungs and I felt refreshed and exhilarated. I was struggling to finish my homework for the weekend. After a while, I felt sleepy so I went to my bed to take a short nap before continuing my weekend homework.
After about half an hour, a series of furious knocks on the door startled me from my afternoon nap. Feeling immensely irritated, I strode to the door and opened it.
“Who is that?” I ask in an irritated tone as I opened the door. Finding no one at the door, I closed it, thinking that it might just be a prank.
Just as I was going back to my room to continue my nap, I heard the knocks on the door again. Fuming with anger, I went to open the door but saw nobody outside.
“Boo!” a voice shouted just as I was about to close the door. My heart jumped. I saw a mop of black and beige and then a face pop up.
“Sally!” I cried out in shock, “Weren’t you in America?”
Sally was my best friend who had migrated to America a year ago because her father’s boss had sent him to America to work for two and a half years. Both of us were very sad when we learnt that we had to leave each other. No word could describe our sorrow. On the day she was leaving, I went personally to the airport to bid her farewell, sobbing sorrowfully. It was the saddest day of my life.
“Well, it’s now school holiday in America, so I asked my parents to bring me to Singapore to visit you.” Sally replied in a familiar voice I hadn’t heard in one whole year, “And I am sorry if I did knock the door a little too hard, I tried pressing the door bell but no sound came out. I guess your door bell had spoilt.”
“Never mind about that,” I asked, “but why didn’t you tell me that you were coming to Singapore? Have you forgotten my phone number?”
“No, I didn’t forget you phone number. I just want to give you a surprise.” Sally replied, smiling mischievously.
In my excitement, I had forgotten to let Sally in. I quickly invited Sally into the house. We seated on the sofa and I gave her a cup of water to drink. My eyes glittered with tears of happiness when I saw my best friend. We hugged each other, crying uncontrollably. After a while, we wiped away our tears and started chatting about what we done in the year. She told me that her parents had some business to attend to in their company in Singapore and couldn’t come to visit my parents and I. Later, she handed me some presents and my favourite food she had bought for me. I learnt from her that she would be staying in Singapore for half a month and she could spend the night in my house today if my parents allowed.
When my parents came home from their shopping spree, I explained to them the reason of Sally’s sudden visit. They were surprise and happy at the sight of her. I seek permission from them asking if Sally could stay in the house tonight. At first, they hesitated, but seeing how happy Sally and I are to be together again and they do not want to disappoint me, they agreed. We jumped for joy when we heard the great news.
After dinner, we played our favourite board game, ‘Monopoly’, in my bedroom before going to sleep at midnight. I planned to bring Sally to our favourite places in Singapore during the two weeks.
(628 words)
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I have capitalized my editions and bracketed my comments. The decision as to whether you want to heed my advice and make the necessary changes, or delete this comment lies ultimately in your hands. I know what I'm doing, so I would suggest that you edit this in time. Sorry but I can't tell you who I am. Rest assured that my anonymity won't affect the credibility of those editions I made for you.
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The brilliant rays of the afternoon sun shone right through the curtains. The fresh air filled my lungs and I felt refreshed and exhilarated. I was struggling to finish my homework for the weekend. After a while, I felt sleepy so I went to my bed to take a short nap before continuing my weekend homework.
After about half an hour, a series of furious knocks on the door startled me from my afternoon nap. Feeling immensely irritated, I strode to the door and opened it.
“Who is that?” I ask in an irritated tone as I opened the door. Finding no one at the door, I closed it, thinking that it might just be a prank.
Just as I was going back to my room to continue my nap, I heard the knocks on the door again. Fuming with anger, I went to open the door but saw nobody outside.
“Boo!” a voice shouted just as I was about to close the door. My heart jumped.
I saw a mop of black and beige and then a face POPPED up.
“Sally!” I cried out in shock, “Weren’t you in America?”
Sally was my best friend who had migrated to America a year ago because her father’s boss had sent him to America to work for two and a half years. Both of us were very sad when we learnt that we had to leave each other. No word could describe our sorrow. On the day she was leaving, I went personally to the airport to bid her farewell, sobbing sorrowfully. It was the saddest day of my life.
“Well, it’s THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS NOW in America, so I asked my parents to bring me to Singapore to visit you.” Sally replied in a familiar voice I HAD NOT(remember, this is not a conversation, so HADN'T cannot be used) heard in one whole year, “And I am sorry if I did knock the door a little too hard, I tried pressing the door bell but NO SOUND CAME OUT (this capitalized phrase does not make sense because what you are saying is that no sound came out of the bell. you cannot tell whether the door bell makes any sound because its fixed on the inside and obviously you are not inside. What you can say is that NO ONE ANSWERED THE DOOR.) I guess your door bell IS spoilt.”
“Never mind about that,” I asked, “but why didn’t you tell me that you were coming to Singapore? Have you forgotten my phone number?”
“No, I didn’t forget you phone number. I just want to give you a surprise,” Sally replied, smiling mischievously.
In my EXCITEMENT (why were you excited? you were angry, then surprised to see her at the door), I had forgotten to let Sally in. I quickly invited Sally into the house. We seated on the sofa and I gave her a cup of water to drink. My eyes glittered with tears of happiness when I saw my best friend. We hugged each other, crying uncontrollably. After a while, we WIPED AWAY OUR TEARS (a better alternative would be WIPED OUR TEARS AWAY) and started chatting about what we HAD done in the year. She told me that her parents had some business to attend to in their company in Singapore and COULDN'T (like before, it should be COULD NOT)) come to visit my parents and I. Later, she handed me some presents and MY FAVOURITE FOOD SHE HAD BOUGHT FOR ME (it sounds gramatically incoherent. should edit.). I learnt from her that she would be staying in Singapore for half a month and she could spend the night in my house today if my parents allowed.
When my parents came home from their shopping spree, I explained to them the reason of Sally’s sudden visit. They were SURPRISED and happy at the sight of her. I SOUGHT permission from them, asking if Sally could stay AT OUR house tonight. At first, they hesitated, but seeing how happy Sally and I WERE to be together again and, NOT WANTING to disappoint me, they agreed. We jumped for joy when we heard the great news.
After dinner, we played our favourite board game, ‘Monopoly’, in my bedroom before going to sleep at midnight. I planned to bring Sally to our favourite places in Singapore during the two weeks.
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Reply to anonymous:
ReplyDeletethanks for your comments and i have made the nessary changes. i hope you didn't laugh at my composition. my english is really bad. I really want to know who you are, can you tell me?